Joe Biden Has No Excuse Not To Be The Best Goddamn President We’ve Ever Had

The bar is so low for President Biden. So. Low. All he has to do is not lead a riotous mob in storming the capitol, or get himself impeached twice, or allow 400,000 American citizens to die of a largely preventable pandemic in less than a year, or tweet out insane ramblings in the middle of the night that threaten our diplomatic relations, or talk shit about Meryl Streep, and he’s guaranteed to be better than the last guy.

This should be an easy win, Joe. An absolute no-brainer.

It is laughably easy for a politician to impress me at this point. Can you string together a complete sentence? Full of actual, real, true information? Does the sound of your voice not make me want to puke? If so: congratulations, I’m impressed.

That’s how low the bar is. That’s how easily you should be able to win me over, Joe. You don’t even have to run with the ball. All you have to do is not drop it.

After the last four years of bullshit, I can’t even think of what Joe Biden could do that would make me consider him a bad president. He’d basically have to leave the nuclear launch codes out in the open in a Chuck E. Cheese. And I mean a Chuck E. Cheese in the really bad part of town. Anything less than that, and I’m not sure I would even notice.

If Joe Biden does literally nothing else with his presidency except for never saying the word covfefe, I will be happy with him. Hell, I’ll be overjoyed.

The bar is buried, you get me?

I’ve completely reversed course from the primaries, during which I loathed the idea of President Joe Biden. Now I’m excited (or just so relieved that it feels like excitement) for a normal, boring, status-quo-but-hopefully-with-less-genocide-at-the-southern-border-reestablishing president, and I kind of don’t care who that is. Any port in a storm, pretty much.

But I’m worried that even with my expectations so incredibly nonexistent, Joe Biden is still going to find a way to let me down.

I don’t know how he possibly could, but I’ve seen a lot of shit happen in politics recently that I would previously have said could never possibly happen in America.

Really, I don’t know how Joe Biden could do anything but impress us at this point- the majority of Americans are currently having a crisis of faith in our hallowed institutions, the Office of the Presidency most of all. The only thing most of us are looking for right now is someone to not be completely fucking terrible at being the president, and that’s about it.

There’s no reason for Joe Biden not to go down in history as an excellent president, if only by the metric of comparison.

But if I’ve learned anything over the last four years, it’s not to expect politics to proceed in the normal and expected fashion. Anything could happen next, and I’m not sure when I’ll feel like it’s safe to uncross my fingers.

I want to have faith in Joe Biden. I want to have faith in anything.

But all I really want is to have someone in office who isn’t a completely fucking terrible president. Please, 2021- tell me this is the year that becomes a reasonable expectation again?

Author: Bryanna Doe

Author, storyteller, comedian, songwriter.

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