Sunday Column

The best advice I’ve ever gotten is to write on a regular schedule. This is my attempt to produce a new piece every week.

This Post Is Mostly About Donald Trump, And I Apologize; I’m Not Happy About It Either

I’ve thought about Donald Trump approximately 3000% less in the past two months than I have over the past five years. It’s been a nice mental reprieve. Not having to wake up every morning and care what Donald Trump was going to do that day has been like a vacation of the soul. Perhaps even … Continue reading “This Post Is Mostly About Donald Trump, And I Apologize; I’m Not Happy About It Either”

Honestly, I Would’ve Been Happier With An Asteroid Scenario, But Whatever

A year ago, my city made some of the scariest and most surreal announcements that I had ever heard. You know exactly what I’m talking about: Pandemic. Quarantine. Lockdown. Shelter in place. State of Emergency. Isolate. Don’t breathe the air. Don’t touch the surfaces. Don’t panic. No, really, don’t panic. *KILL BILL SIREN NOISES*DON’T FUCKING … Continue reading “Honestly, I Would’ve Been Happier With An Asteroid Scenario, But Whatever”

In Retrospect, Benjamin Franklin Was Right About A Lot Of Things

I think I’ve finally uncovered the secret to being a responsible, productive, and successful member of society. From this moment forward, I’m done with the millennial notion of trying to adult- I have now officially transitioned into just being an adult. It’s been nearly thirty years of trial and error, but I’m pretty sure that … Continue reading “In Retrospect, Benjamin Franklin Was Right About A Lot Of Things”

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