Okay, Let’s Talk About The Goddamn Fireworks

What on earth is going on in America right now?

Now, I know that’s an incredibly open-ended question. I could be talking about the ebb and flow of the COVID-19 pandemic, or the sudden societal backslide in race relations, or the fact that the newest branch of our military is somehow losing a trademark battle with Netflix, or, you know, one of the thousand other insane things happening right now.

But no, I’m talking about the FREAKING FIREWORKS LIKE JESUS CHRIST ENOUGH WITH THE FIREWORKS ALREADY FUCK ME HOW MUCH LONGER CAN I POSSIBLY BE EXPECTED TO PUT UP WITH THIS UTTER NONSENSE IT IS EVERY NIGHT FOR HOURS I AM SERIOUS IT IS EVERY NIGHT FROM DUSK IF THEY EVEN WAIT THAT LATE UNTIL I GUESS NOT DAWN BUT IT’S CERTAINLY HAPPENING UNTIL THE STUPID HOURS OF THE MORNING AND I KNOW THIS BECAUSE IT HAS WOKEN ME UP MORE THAN ONE TIME AND LOOK I KNOW SOCIETY IS CRUMBLING BUT COME ON JUST COME THE FUCK ON WHERE ARE YOU PEOPLE EVEN BUYING FIREWORKS

AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

WHY???

Unless you live under a rock- and if you do, please tell me you’re looking for a roommate, because I would like to get some fucking sleep for once- you’re probably aware that America suddenly has a fireworks problem. From California to the New York Island, from the Redwood Forest to the Gulf Stream Waters, this land is INFESTED WITH FIREWORKS.

Now, from what I’ve gathered, one of two things is happening:

Thing One: Americans are collectively very stressed, and we’ve decided that the only release valve for that stress is to do the most American thing possible and just start blowing shit up. Fireworks are the most accessible destructive outlet for all this pent-up rage and anger and frustration, plus we connect them to the happier times when we used to celebrate America’s birthday without that twinge of guilt, and there you have it. We’re mad, we’re American, it’s summer, bing bang boom.

Thing Two: This is an orchestrated effort by government and/or law enforcement, in response to the protesting, rioting, and general unrest of the last few weeks. The Establishment is using constant fireworks as a tactic to disrupt our neighborhoods through sleep deprivation and generally heightened anxiety, hoping that this will impede our ability to mobilize in support of social justice. Or they’re intentionally creating a very visible problem to justify assembling specialized police task forces to roam our streets at night and do God-knows-what about it. Or they’re trying to desensitize us to the sounds of guns and bombs, so that when they go full Kent State on our asses we don’t notice in time to get out of the war zone.

Depending on your life experiences and current opinion of the government/law enforcement, one of these theories likely sounds a lot more believable than the other. And the point of this article isn’t to try to convince you, and getting into a debate about it is pretty pointless- because I don’t know what the hell is going on, and you don’t either.

But whatever it is, it’s SO LOUD AND IT IS EVERY NIGHT AND I AM JUST SO OVER IT AND NEW YORK CITY ANNOUNCED THAT THEY’RE DOING THEIR OWN SUMMER FIREWORKS NOW TO RAMP UP TO THE FOURTH OF JULY AND JUST STOP IT STOP IT I AM NOT HERE FOR THAT WHEN ARE WE GOING TO GET SOME GODDAMN PEACE AND QUIET AND ALSO WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO ARREST THE MEN WHO MURDERED BREONNA TAYLOR AND I SWEAR BEFORE KING AND COUNTRY IF I HAVE TO HEAR FIREWORKS FOR ONE MORE NIGHT THEN SO HELP ME

Author: Bryanna Doe

Author, storyteller, comedian, songwriter.

3 thoughts on “Okay, Let’s Talk About The Goddamn Fireworks”

  1. In Vermont we have had quiet nights. People do not seem compelled to anger the general population and also have a lot of compassion for animals that get freaked out . It started out with our concern for domestic animals but, since the pandemic, which has led to less noise from cars etc. more wild animals have decided it is safer to come into town and peer into windows which has led to people freaking out at the BIG bear on their decks looking into living rooms!
    I think too, considering the cost of the fireworks, cities and towns should defund the fireworks committee (if there is such a thing) and buy masks or food for their communities.

    Like

  2. Older folks and pet owners have long complained about the noise from firecrackers. I wish that somewhere in your piece, you’d identified yourself as a millennial without pets so that the public would realize that even younger people and non-pet-owners are disturbed by all that noise. It’s bad enough that July 4th has traditionally laid claim to such annoyance. Now, it seems to be only one of many such days/nights. Ever try ear plugs?

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  3. I saw this story about the illegal fireworks in the NY Times online, but I was only slightly aware of how bad the problem was around the city. It reminds me that when we used to live on Crosby Street, down in SoHo, way back when, people would sell illegal fireworks on the streets there, mostly the smaller side streets where they weren’t that visible. Of course, this being next to Little Italy, we all casually said that it was the Mafia behind the sales. There was one crime pattern that stood out: Crosby was a dumping ground at the time for stolen cars, usually fancy things like Lincolns and Cadillacs, often with New Jersey license plates, which soon vanished. The car would suddenly appear on the block, usually with the doors wide open, then after a day or so these tough guys would show up with the boxes of fireworks, which they kept in the back seats and trunks. Then the car would be jacked up at night and, first, the wheels would be stolen, then the engine would disappear, and the hulk would still be there with the hoodlums selling rockets and firecrackers. Then, always in the middle of the night, we would hear a fire siren, and the fire truck would stop right outside our building, and you could see the light of the flames and smell the smoke. Scary. The police would then tow away the burned-out wreck the next day. There was this rumor that they wouldn’t tow a car that was worth more than a few hundred dollars, like this was some kind of New York City regulation—and I have no idea how true that one is! But the story line was always the same.

    Thought I’d share a bit of history—you can be the millionaires who live on the block now wouldn’t put up with this!

    Best,

    John

    Liked by 1 person

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